i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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