I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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