I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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