I want you more than these girls want KFC
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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