it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I AM VODKA MAN
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
