I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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