I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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