its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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