So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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