i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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