i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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