i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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