Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
