Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
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