I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
How many fucks given?
0.12846
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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