No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
