Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
