I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
