At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Drunk is not a location!
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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