im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
