You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
