dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
