mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
