Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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