Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
