The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
