tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
