Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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