So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
