started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
