I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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