Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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