from now on my penis is your penis
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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