Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Randomize
