OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Randomize
