K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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