So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I could fuck to npr.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
