uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
