I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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