life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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