she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
