Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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