i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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