My room smells like vodka and shame
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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