Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
