I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
