I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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