i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
