I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
you inspire me to be a worse person
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
