ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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