i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
