I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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