BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
