When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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