She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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