Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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