sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
