Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
