Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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