life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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