are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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