...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Randomize
