Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize