her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
