Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
