Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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