i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
two words: eviction party
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
