Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
