If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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