my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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